Spam Knows
by starfruit
Summary: The dwarfers are forced to eat spam - who can save them now?


A.N – A very stupid fic.  
  
Dedicated to 'screwed-upFluffyBugger.com'  
  
And to Venom Girl and yes, to you as well Charlotte. (tHeInSanEOnE)  
  
This is set on starbug. Series 7. Rimmer has left to be Ace Rimmer.  
  
  
  
************  
  
Kryten came into the cockpit. He cleared his throat, and tried not to panic. 'Sirs, ma'am…I need to tell you something. Something quite important.'  
  
'Not now buddy!' Cat shouted. 'Swirly thing alert! Oh…wait. Lister – did you sneeze on the screen again?'  
  
Lister leant over and wiped it off with his sleeve. Kochanski's face showed an emotion that Kryten could only recognise as absolute disgust.  
  
'What is it Kryten?' Cat was worried. Were they out of hair-gel? Shampoo?  
  
'Well…we're…out…of…food.'  
  
'WHAT?' Cat, Kochanski and Lister turned around. Cat slammed the autopilot button. 'What?'  
  
Kryten continued, 'Well we do have *some* food, if you could call it food.'  
  
'What type of food?' Kochanski hoped there was at least *one* pot of cottage cheese.  
  
'Well, I'll recite the inventory I made earlier shall I?'  
  
They nodded. Kryten continued.  
  
'2 curries. Half a poppadom. 1 fish, species unknown, a 3 day old chicken, a pot of mustard, and 1 pot of cottage cheese.'  
  
Lister froze. 'Only 2 curries? Half a poppadom?'  
  
Kochanski took a deep breath. 'One pot of cottage cheese? ONE!!!'  
  
Kryten felt incredibly guilty. 'Yes ma'am, one pot…small.'  
  
Kochanski stormed out. Lister followed. Cat went off to take a nap. He hadn't really been listening.  
  
*************  
  
'Sirs! Ma'am! I was searching the cargo bay and I found some food! Lots of it. Hundreds and hundreds of it!'  
  
Kochanski jumped up and down, 'Food, we have food! Cottage cheese, and chocolate! And pizza, and salad, and warm salad cream!'  
  
Kryten tried to cut in but was silenced by Lister shouting. 'Food! Lager, and beer, and alcohol, and pints! And lager, and more lager! And curry, curry! We have poppadoms!'  
  
Kryten's guilt chip nearly went into overdrive. 'Well not exactly sir. And ma'am.  
  
Kochanski stopped celebrating. 'What do you mean?'  
  
'Well…I put it all in the kitchen ma'am, go and have a look.'  
  
Kochanski raced off to the kitchen. Lister and Kryten stood facing each other. Then they heard Kochanski scream.  
  
'SPAM!'  
  
Kryten was silent.  
  
'SPAM! What's with the SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!' Kochanski stood in the doorway holding a tin of the stuff.  
  
Kryten tried to explain. 'Well it's better than no-food at all. And there are all different kinds of it! We can have fun making up recipes…' His voice trailed off as Lister and Kochanski stared at him.  
  
'Kryten, we have 1000 tins of SPAM!!!!!'  
  
'I know mister Lister but it's not that bad. It can taste…quite…nice.' Kryten's head then exploded, his programming wouldn't let him tell a lie *that* bad.  
  
*******  
  
*3 weeks later…*  
  
'No!! Leave me alone…leave me alone! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'  
  
Lister ran through to Kochanski's quarters, 'It's okay Kris. You've just had another nightmare. It's okay though.'  
  
Kochanski woke up crying, 'It was horrible Dave, it was awful – I was so scared. So scared.' Lister hugged her. 'It's okay Kris.'  
  
'He was just walking towards me…and…he was bigger this time. Much bigger.'  
  
Lister nodded, 'I know, I know. It was the Spam-man again wasn't it?'  
  
Kochanski nodded. 'He was force-feeding me Spam! And I told him it was full of fat but he wouldn't listen.'  
  
Lister would have laughed at this comment, but the crew's nightmares (usually featuring 'Spam-man') were becoming too frequent. Kochanski woke up screaming most nights; Cat would often run around the room in his sleep thinking he was fighting off Spam tins. And even Kryten could see that living on a diet of Spam, Spam and more Spam wasn't good for them. But what could they do?  
  
********  
  
1 Lister walked back to his quarters, Kochanski had finally gone back to sleep but he had had to reassure her that the Spam-man was gone.  
  
2 As he passed Cat's room he could hear Cat sleep-talking. 'Sure, I'll have sex with you! And you…and you and you – and you at the back over there. Oh – and you!'  
  
3 Lister smiled – Cat's nightmares usually started off with a thousand Cat girls in bikinis, and then while he was having sex they would turn into blobs of Spam and attack him. Lister didn't have nightmares, he preferred to stay awake. He'd had only a few hours of sleep for weeks. It wasn't good for him – and the situation certainly wasn't good for any of them.  
  
4  
  
5 ******  
  
*6 weeks later*  
  
'Good morning!' Kryten tried to keep up the crew's morale by acting like nothing was wrong.  
  
Kochanski stared at him – she was wrapped up in a blanket and her hair hadn't been brushed for a week. 'What?'  
  
'I said good morning!'  
  
'Are we having Spam for breakfast?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'Then it's not a good morning.' She sat down. 'I'm starving. I haven't eaten for 48 hours. Just give me the Spam.'  
  
Kryten walked over and placed the plate of fried Spam in front of Kochanski, he backed away and watched as she forced it down her throat – then drank a litre of water to wash it down.'  
  
She got up and left without saying a word.  
  
Kryten sighed. It was always like this. They either ate the Spam and were in a bad mood for the rest of the day – or went hungry and were in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Didn't they appreciate that he was trying? She hadn't even noticed that he'd cut it into a star shape before frying it.  
  
***********  
  
*9 weeks later*  
  
Kryten walked into the cockpit – he was getting so worried. Lister was looking so pale, and hardly spoke any more. Cat was getting paranoid; the slightest thing set him off. And Kochanski hadn't brushed her hair or had a shower for days. She just mooched around wrapped in a blanket. Then a shout from Lister brought him out of his thoughts.  
  
'A ship! A ship! A smegging ship!!'  
  
Cat fainted. Kochanski started screaming 'They'll have food! Lot's of it – and no more SPAAAAAM!!'  
  
Then she raced off to get ready.  
  
*********  
  
Ace Rimmer stepped on board. He looked around, and saw Kryten running towards him. 'Mister Ace sir! You don't know how happy we are to have you back!! We've been short of supplies for just over two months now and…'  
  
But Rimmer held up his hand, 'What kind of supplies?'  
  
'Well…food.'  
  
'Say no more.'  
  
Rimmer walked off back to his ship. 10 minutes later and he was back, carrying a box of supplies. He handed it to Kryten – who buckled under the weight.  
  
'All this? This will last us a week or so but…'  
  
'I have more. Lots more. Get Lister and the others and follow me.'  
  
*******  
  
An hour later and Starbug was packed full of food. Lister put the last box down and smiled. 'Thanks Ace, this'll keep us going for ages.' Lister and Ace exchanged a knowing glance, they were the only two who knew that 'Ace' was actually Rimmer.  
  
Cat chipped in, 'You don't know how bad it's been.'  
  
'Are you staying?' Kryten said, hopefully.  
  
'No, not for long. Just thought I'd come and see how you were all doing. Good thing I did.'  
  
Kochanski walked into the room. She had just consumed a 5 course-meal; and flushed the remaining tins of Spam into deep space.  
  
Ace smiled at her. 'Hi…are you full?'  
  
She smiled back, 'Couldn't eat another thing.' She paused, then grabbed Ace and kissed him. He kissed her back, then she led him towards her quarters. They stopped – 'Wait Ace, bring the cottage cheese.'  
  
'I thought you said you were full.'  
  
'It's not for that.'  
  
'Oh!'  
  
  
  
And 3 million years into deep space onboard a ship called Starbug – somebody was screaming 'WHAT A GUY!!!!'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A.N - ! Sorry about the Spam – but my friends and I are always talking about it! Please review. Please? Even if you want to flame me. 


End file.
